NARUTO: Not season two, but a good substitute!
by Ninja Liz-San
Summary: An indepth ultrasecretive look into the lives of, well, everyone... Because you know you're dying to know what mouthwash Tenten uses! [Sasuke and Neji's eternal grudge]...[Naruto and Lee ensue chaos by causing blindness] Just read it! FLAMERS ENCOURAGED!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: ** If I owned Naruto, this wouldn't be fanfiction... At best, it would probably just be horribly mutated and streched over several filler arcs under the name "SMASH! (random adjective) Trip to the Obscure Dustball Country!"... And since it isn't a whole filler arc, it is relatively safe to assume that I don't own Naruto... Although I might just be lying to you...

* * *

Neji and Sasuke had held a grudge against each other ever since their very first day of kindergarten.

... 

"_You __stole it!"_

"_Didn't! 'tupid Hyuuga!" Sasuke crossed his arms and treated the young Hyuuga to a poor (and highly ineffective) rendition of the Patented Uchiha Death Glare ™, invented by his great-great-granduncle Einstein._

_A teddy bear launched itself across the room, hitting Neji square in the head. Put out by the fact that his hair was now messed up and he couldn't even fix it up all nicely, Neji glared around the room at the gathered children. Spotting Gaara shooting evil looks his way, he immediately backed down from that particular argument._

"_But it was all that Uchiha's fault!" he argued, "Just 'cause his brothers an ANBU doesn't mean he can do what he wants!"_

"_Tch. Your so troublesome. It's just a hairbrush Hyuuga." A young (and annoyed at being woken), Shikamaru yawned._

_Neji was only deterred by the sight of Sasuke's ever-present fanclub cracking their knuckles to defend their precious Sasuke's honor. In the interests of his hair's safety, he decided to drop the argument…_

... 

Even to this day, Neji's open grudge for the main house was just a cover for his deep underlying hatred of Sasuke Uchiha. Even his obsession with birds could be traced back to Neji noticing one day that Sasuke's hair looked frighteningly similar to a cockatoo's.

Suddenly (or out of plot convenience for the author), Sasuke came hurrying along the street towards Neji. Not that Neji himself was quite sure why he had just spontaneously appeared in the middle of the street anyway. Sasuke was, on the other hand, very purposefully trying to shake the screaming fangirls off his back.

Upon seeing each other, they both stopped dead and began to stare at each other (this turned out to be a bad move for Sasuke in particular, because it gave his fangirls a change to catch up to him).

"Uchiha."

"Hyuuga"

"Sasuke-kuuuuun1!11!1" Sakura and Ino cried, attempting to glomp him (a move that Sasuke was relieved to have dodged in time).

Out of another mysterious plot convenience, a frighteningly loud person in equally as frightening attire cannoned up to them. And no, it was not Naruto.

"NEJI! SASUKE! SAKURA-CHAN MY LOVELY LOVE OF MY LIFE! IT IS I, THE BEAUTIFUL GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA!"

Everyone post-maturely attempted to cover their ears from the over-enthusiastic onslaught. Upon seeing the all-too-familiar bright green spandex Sasuke tried to cover his eyes as well, thinking to himself, "God, he has worse fashion sense than Naruto."

"Lee. I think you just deafened me." Neji complained weakly.

"NEJI MY TEAMMATE! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND THE BEAUTIFUL TARGET OF MY UNDYING AFFECTIONS, SAKURA-CHAN, TO JOIN ME IN A THRILLING ROUND OF MINATURE GOLF! I KNOW! WE CAN ALL GO TOGETHER!"

Neji just stared blankly at him. After a few minutes had passed, his abused brain finally processed the meaning of Lee's illogical onslaught. Even when he had achieved that much, he did not know how to respond.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was being assaulted by Sakura, much to Lee's dismay. Noticing in well-hidden horror that Lee was about to make another loud and embarrassing (potentially traffic-halting) declaration of his undying love for her, Sakura grasped Sasuke's wrist so hard it began turning purple, calling out, "OH MY GAWD! That sounds, like, totally SO much fun. I'm like, totally right, aren't I Sasuke-kuuuuun!11!"

Sasuke tried to grin and nod in agreement, knowing he needed his hand to stay in one piece.

Ino stood forgotten, wondering why she was even in the fic anymore. She immediately collapsed in an attempt to get some attention, and was still ignored.

"ARE YOU COMING MY TRUSTWORTHY AND BRILLIANT TEAMMATE NEJI!" Lee bellowed three centimeters from the Hyuuga's ear.

"Firstly," stated Neji, trying to keep his voice even, "kindly keep your voice down to a dull roar. And secondly: Sasuke said that he is going, so I refuse to go as I do not wish to demean myself by associating with people of his… type."

"Yeah… Well…" Sasuke tried to counter, "He says he's not going because I'm going, so I'm not going because he says he's not going. Then I'll show everyone that I'm better than him."

"You are aware that you made absolutely no sense just then, aren't you?" Neji scoffed.

Enjoying the idea of spending time with Sasuke too much, and worried about him trying to back out, Sakura grabbed Neji's wrist with her other free hand and tore off in a random direction she hoped lead to a mini golf course.

"Coming Lee?" she called over her shoulder.

"YES CERTAINLY, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT SAKURA-CHAN, BELOVED LIGHT OF MY LIFE! AND IF I DO NOT GET THERE BEFORE YOU I SHALL DO 6000 LAPS OF THE VILLAGE WITH GAI-SENSEI AND NEJI ON MY BACK!"

Neji paled and shuddered at the thought, hoping fervently that Lee would make it there before Sakura did.

* * *

**A/N: **Howdy... Yeah, I wrote that up there... Please feel free to press that cute little reveiw button and give me some inspiration or fuzzy compliments, or just flame me, because that's always fun too... .


	2. Chapter 2

And it was at that particular moment that Neji realized he hated everyone he knew. As it turned out, this didn't really matter much anyway, because he was helpless to do anything but blame:

A) The Main House (because they had to be somehow connected to something that made his life crap)

And…

B) Sasuke (because Neji just hated him in general).

…

"Lee." Neji said in a dangerously sweet voice, "What the _hell _are you doing to me?"

Lee, being as naive as he was, did not detect the danger in Neji's voice.

"IT IS JUST GREAT IS IT NOT, NEJI-CHAN? WE CAN SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER AS A TEAM!" Neji vowed to buy a pair of earmuffs.

Neji just complained under his breath that Tenten wasn't being forced to endure this torture as Lee began his second lap of the village.

"ONLY FIVE THOUSAND-NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE LAPS TO GO! AND NEJI-CHAN, OUR BRILLIANT TEAMMATE TENTEN IS DEDICATELDY DICTATING YOUR EVERY MOVE TO A ROCK OVER THERE!" Lee roared.

Looking over (in the direction of your choice), Neji did indeed spot Tenten dictating his every action to a rock- quite possibly his every thought as well. She was surrounded by all the other useless and forgotten characters like Shino and Neji's mother. Consequently, if rocks could show boredom, this rock would have died from it.

Gai-sensei, on the other hand, was yet to say a word. Neji, because of his self-proclaimed 'uber-leet-skillz', knew this was because the Jounin was in floods of tears due to the sheer brilliance and overwhelming youthfulness of his student.

If he didn't hate Sasuke so much, he would have begged to borrow his funeral for a friend CD and some black converse hi-tops.

"Yo! Sorry I'm late! I got lost on the road of life while being attacked by pigeons and helping an old lady across the road."

"Liar!" Called some unnamed random.

Kakashi had appeared in a big, Jounin-ified bang of smoke along with Sasuke, and they were now desperately trying to run fast enough to keep up with Lee. Not that either of them had a clue why they were really bothering.

"NEJI-CHAN! IS IT NOT GREAT? WE HAVE COMPANY!"

Neji sighed inwardly. _"Damn Uchiha"_

"Lee. _Don't_ call me Neji-chan." Neji groaned, finally trying to free himself.

At the same time, Sasuke managed to overtake Lee. He had an evil plot, something along the lines of making Lee indebted to him…

"Lee-kun, Sakura-chan is searching for you." Sasuke said to him. As Tenten correctly stated to her rock, Sakura would never look for Lee. But Lee was too desperate for Sakura's affection to realize this, and nowhere near bored enough to want to analyze the situation and describe it to a rock in any case.

Lee stopped dead, letting Neji and Gai fly over his head and hit the floor (Neji was very put out about this, mainly because it dirtied his hair). Gai stood up, giving Lee his famous cheesy grin and thumbs up, crying, "THAT'S MY LEE!"

"3…" Counted Neji.

"2…"

"1..."

On cue, Lee and Gai both burst into tears.

"OH LEE!"

"OH GAI-SENSEI!"

Neji tried to back away slowly, knowing that otherwise they would probably try and include him in the overly-emotional hug that was coming... They would be crying out each others names for hours.

…


	3. Chapter 3

It was just a given that weird things were going to happen if the Sand Siblings ever tried to share living space. Tenten would have been able to overanalyze this concept and dictate her conclusions to a rock, but she was too busy trying to find a way to sneak into the Hyuuga compound without being detected (and thus was discovering the negative points of stalking a person who's family all had 360o vision).

So, as expected, unusual things did happen in their household. On the other hand, nobody could be prepared for absolutely everything, as Kankuro discovered one morning upon entering the kitchen to get himself a harmless bowl of cereal.

Seeing his younger brother, Gaara, sitting in a bright pink dress cutting skittles with a knife was pretty much the last thing Kankuro expected to see first thing in the morning…

The first thought that ran through Kankuro's mind was, _"How often do abnormal things have to happen before they become normal dammit?" _He promptly realized that some things weren't MEANT to be normal, Gaara in a dress among them.

"OHAIYO KANKURO NII-SAN!"

Kankuro seriously began to wonder about Gaara's already weakened state of mental stability. His brother was actually addressing him, and it WASN'T to threaten to kill him. All he could do was stare in his state of coma-like shock.

Seemingly just to add to the weirdness level, Temari waltzed through the open front door wearing a gold sequined leotard, blaring out "Barbie Girl" from a portable radio. Catching sight of her brothers, she called out to Gaara.

"Gaara dear, I picked up that Maybelline nail polish you wanted… Orange, right?"

Grabbing Karasu from an all-too-convenient spot beside the now open door, he ran out before anything even weirder could happen. At that moment he could have sworn that someone had disrupted the balance of the universe (again).

"Do you think we messed his head up?" Temari laughed as soon as the door slammed shut.

Gaara calmly looked up at her with a death glare painted across his face.

"Give me the cookies you promised or I WILL kill you."

Gaara was defiantly scary… Even if he would do anything for cookies.

…

Kankuro vowed not to return home for a very, VERY long time, favoring instead an attempt to keep his sanity intact. As he wandered aimlessly, he realized that in his state of distraction he had unknowingly traveled thousands of kilometers and ended up in Konoha.

Not fazed by this in the least (on account of being relatively accepting towards anything that isn't a death threat by Gaara, or Temari in a sequined leotard), Kankuro decided that he might as well find that annoying little kid with the weird scarf.

He found himself walking though a section of the village that seemed to be residential more than anything else - one of those quite areas that you could walk though for hours and never see another person. Except for the fact that Kankuro wasn't really quite that lucky on that particular day (with Gaara-in-a-dress and everything). As a result of this, lying in the street was a Konoha chuunin.

Racking his mind, Kankuro remembered that this was that strange ninja Temari had fought in the Chuunin exam, although he didn't quite get as far as remembering a name (his luck and all)…

The other ninja appeared to be both conscious and unhurt, and as such there was absolutely no reason for him to be lying in the middle of a street. Unless - of course - there were tanks about to demolish his house or something and he was protesting, which he wasn't. Indeed, confusingly enough, he appeared to be simply watching the sky.

Possibly due to misplaced compassion, but most likely out of boredom, Kankuro wandered onto the road towards the chuunin.

"Hey! Are you okay?" He called out.

Sighing in annoyance at the disruption, Shikamaru let his eyes focus. The first thing he noticed was Kankuro standing over him. Shikamaru remembered Kankuro – he was that Sand ninja who tried to take out the whole village because he felt his uber-leet ninja skills were wasted fighting forgotten and useless characters like Shino. Secretly Shikamaru thought that Kankuro had an ego complex rivaling even Neji's…

When Shikamaru showed no signs of either moving or responding, Kankuro just shrugged and walked off. He was bored, after all, but not quite bored enough to wait around for an answer form a ninja just as likely to fall asleep as to reply.

As he left, Shikamaru began the long process of deciding whether or not he could be bothered to move out of the road. If there were lawyers in Konoha, Shikamaru would have fitted right in with them. Mostly because, like lawyers, everything he did was likely to take at least five times the amount necessary.

Approximately two and a half hours later, Shikamaru had finally decided that the attention he received from lying in the middle of the road was too troublesome, and took enough time to cross the road as a snail would take to cross Africa.

Of course, by this time Kankuro was over the other side of the village amusing himself in some other way.

…

Kankuro had Konohamaru cornered against a fence, the younger boy having already passed the "You-can't-hurt-me-I'm-the-grandson-of-the-utterly-awesome-former-hokage, WHO WAS DEFINATLY BETTER THAN OLD LADY TSUNADE!" and he had now entered the "Please, please save me and feel sorry for me… You are so cool…You can be my boss!" stage. Not that Kankuro even wanted to be his boss. He wasn't even so sure hurting him was a good idea.

This was only because Kankuro knew that he'd run straight off to that annoying Kyuubi boy and tell him everything. Then, Kankuro further predicted, Naruto would just go and beat Gaara up again for letting Kankuro hurt Konohamaru. Then Gaara and Temari would both beat him up for being an idiot to start with. So his mercy was really all for his own safety…

Muttering about the unfairness of people's warped logic, Kankuro realized that if he scared the boy much more his health may be jeopardized. _"Besides,"_ he reasoned, _"If I upset Gaara, he wont give me any of those Skittles…" _(yes, sad as he was to admit it, Kankuro had a weakness for Skittles).

Letting the highly annoying ninja-wannabe go, he watched only vaguely amused as the child ran to hide under the closest box and pretended to be a rock. A hopelessly pathetic SQUARE rock…

Right that very second (okay, I lied, it was 3.1459265 seconds later) Kankuro was struck blind. As it turned out, it wasn't because he had seen Gai and Lee doing their cry-hug routine either. It was indeed a woeful day, for yet another innocent victim had fallen victim to the evil that was BAD FASHION tm, a subsidiary of Orochimaru and Bastion of Corporate Evil Industries. This was because poor Kankuro was powerless to fight against the blinding orange that was Naruto's jacket.

"God! Naruto! My eyes!" he cried out in extreme torment as he tried to claw out his eyes.

Naruto, having encountered similar situations quite a lot, calmly took hold of Kankuro's hand and lead the sand ninja to the nearest (and consequently, only) hospital.

After all, everybody knew that it wasn't really the Mangekyo Sharingan that made Itachi blind. Why else would Itachi have been hunting for Naruto, if not for revenge?

Duh…


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I own Naruto. I am unbelievably rich and despite this I have nothing better to do than to write stories mocking my own work... Actually, no. I lied. I bet you're all so sad that I dont really own Naruto. Dude... Get a life... Fanfiction. As in FANS.

**Warning: **May contain traces of nuts, dairy, insanity and bad fashion sense.

* * *

For just about the first time he could remember, Lee wasn't in the hospital because he had done something stupid. Like that time he used that forbidden justu and lost the fight anyway… or that other time when he hurt himself even more trying to train after injuring himself after using the forbidden jutsu…

"LEE!" Gai came running into the hospital room. Lee suspected that he had knocked several people over in the hall with his eagerness. He only hoped that none of the above were patients.

"LEE! I HEARD ABOUT YOU AND SAKURA!"

Had someone actually cared enough to be stalking Lee, they would probably have been able to see an extreme outburst coming on for some obscure reason, most likely followed by about 2500 times of punching some log in a forest somewhere. Not that even this hypothetical stalker would have been able to tell why this outburst would have occurred (assuming it did).

As it turned out, nobody cared enough to be stalking Lee. It was, however, a complete coincidence that someone came tearing into that room right at that very moment.

"Lee! I heard that you tried to hit on Sakura and that she attacked you and got you hospitalized. Is that right Lee? Is it? Is it? So anyway, I came to see you! Look, I brought COOKIES! Lee! Cookies!"

Naruto had arrived, and was consequently the only person in existence with a definite skill for making people feel worse than they already do.

Lee burst into tears. Not that anyone couldn't see that coming already. Naruto stood around awkwardly, wondering whether he should ask if he could sign one of Lee's numerous casts.

Lee realized that he was, in fact, in hospital because he had done something stupid. He would have gone Emo at this stage, if Sasuke didn't already pretty much have that refined to an art form.

"SO! Why are you here anyway, Naruto-kun?"

It was pretty apparent that Lee was sad, because he only used capitals once in his whole sentence.

Naruto stopped bouncing around the room like a monkey on steroids long enough to explain about blinding Kankuro. Lee and Gai didn't really seem all that worried. After all, they had a whole ward of the hospital just devoted to the patients blinded by the green spandex they wore.

…

"Kankuro."

"What?" His head turned to face the complete opposite direction to the speaker.

"Over here." By some miracle, Kankuro managed to chose the correct direction to turn in.

"Temari?"

"…" Gaara was speechless, "How the hell could you mistake me for a girl… And Temari at that?"

"Oh God! Erm… G-gaara-sama… uh…" Kankuro babbled, convinced he could sense Gaara's intent to kill just radiating from him. Gaara sighed. Being mortally terrifying was getting rather old and boring fast recently.

"How did you manage to get blinded by NARUTO of all people?"

"God, Gaara, have you ever seen his outfit!"

"… Actually, I quite liked it."

This time it was Kankuro's turn to sigh. Why were his siblings so dammed _weird_.

"Just to tell you," Gaara said, "I'm not here because I actually care or anything. Someone had to come, something about you being a foreign ninja or potential enemy or something... Besides, Temari told me to come, and she's just too scary to argue with." Kankuro decided that this was just Gaara's attempt to save face.

Kankuro did, however, agree on Temari's scaryness.

"The specialist said that your loss of vision should be temporary." Gaara continued.

"They know that so quickly?"

"Apparently. As I can gather, It happens here quite a lot." Gaara was just slightly annoyed that nobody seemed to agree with him about Naruto's outfit. He hated it when he was wrong.

* * *

**A/N: **Greetings, I'm still alive. Haven't been getting any flamers though. Disapointing really. Next chapter is a random odd bit that I dubbed an Interlude. Yup. All review and stuff and I'll post it. Otherwise I'll have to go and kick Sasuke off out of his Emo corner...


	5. Interlude Chapter

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer:** Much to my utter disgust, dismay and antidisestablishmentarianism, I have failed to pass myself off as some CEO of an international corporation (and or a Japanese man by the name of Kishimoto…) Therefore I do not have a hope in hell of ever owning Naruto… Unless I get rich like Bill Gates, then I'd buy it for about $6 Billion…

**Warning:** May contain traces of nuts, dairy, egg, calories, bad humor, bad fashion and some grease from a Chinese takeaway box….

* * *

"Itachi-san!?" Kisame whined, "Can I _please _shave him with my Samehada?"

"Goddamnit Kisame! Stop saying that! We haven't seen a soul in over three hours!" Itachi finally exploded.

"But… Itachi-saaan!"

"…" Itachi wondered what he had done to deserve having a whining Kisame following him through a forest.

He glared in demonstration of how annoyed he was, and promptly walked into a tree. Muttering about people moving trees into his way to trick him, he glared some more, keeping a lookout for angry ninjas (and or) angry Sasuke's threatening revenge for something-or-other…

"Watch ou…"

Itachi fell over a rock. Kisame giggled.

"Kisame! God, anyone would think you were a schoolgirl!" Itachi ranted as a group of random and totally unexplained schoolgirls skipped past.

Thinking for a minuite, he glared accusingly at Kisame. "You've been at Deidara's stash of sugar again, haven't you?"

Kisame giggled again and hurried on ahead, calling out "I'm not telling!"

Itachi sighed for close to the millionth time in the last few minutes. He was actually happy, for a brief moment, for his terrible eyesight. Mostly (well, actually totally), due to the fact that he could only just see a vague blur, that may or may not have been Kisame _skipping._ He wasn't so sure he could handle seeing more than that. His mind could never recover…

…

"Itachi-san! Are we there yet!?" Kisame had skipped back.

"Yes."

"Really!? Yay!"

"…" Itachi glared (again), "Kisame. Baka. We aren't there yet."

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry all. Only a short chapter, and it took so long to be bothered to type up too! I lost my motivation ;; I wrote the next chapter, but it totally got missplaced. So yeah. I'll rewrite it... When my muse andor motivation returns...


	6. Chapter 6

Neji wasn't really doing a very good job of getting his revenge on Sasuke. In fact, he had spent the last hour and a half wandering aimlessly around the Uchiha compound wondering why the hell a 12 year old needed enough houses to constitute a small village. Ordinarily, it probably wouldn't have been a bad idea to try and locate the intended target's residence, but in the case of Sasuke it was merely a waste of time. Most of the population of Konoha knew that, ever since they upgraded the Emo section in the local music shop, Sasuke had only been known to leave twice (and both times it had been to escape from Sakura). Neji, however, (being more focused on revenge than popular culture) was left skulking around in the shadows hoping he didn't run into Sasuke.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was having problems of his own on the other side of the village. He was beginning to realise that it wasn't the best idea in the world, you know – trying to sneak into a household filled with ninjas (and ninjas with 359 degree vision at that). And however relieved he was to find that the only person to discover him as of yet had been Hinata, who had practically passed out from nervousness at Sasuke glaring at her, he was getting bored…. Not to mention desperately craving some Funeral For A Friend music.

Sasuke realised he had to resist the urge to be Emo… Getting revenge on Neji was to be his first priority. Although, if he told this to anyone, they would be morally obliged to point out to him that Neji hadn't even done anything to him…. Yet.

…


End file.
